My life is currently a walking contradiction. I love going to sleep because that’s when it’s when I can rest from the pain. Yet I hate waking up because it means I’m another day further from you.
However, the cool breeze that whipped around my cheeks when I walked Lola this morning signaled the seasons were changing. I’m ready. Kind of. This summer has been horrible.
And a few days ago, my birthday snuck up on me.
I packed one carry-on & a purse (the camera bag fit in the purse) for this week-long excursion. I didn’t think I could do it, but I’m glad I did. I actually could have packed a little less, making the suitcase much lighter. Will remember that for next time…
The Journey Begins.
Today, we have the luxury of programming frequently called numbers into our cell phones. I suppose I’m dating myself, but I remember dialing my grandmother & grandfather’s number by heart.
A few years into our relationship, Rasheed and I realized we didn’t really know each other’s numbers or anyone else’s for that matter. Since we were dating long distance and often drove hours to see one another, we knew it could be important that we at least memorize one number to call in case the unimaginable occurred so we memorized the other’s number. For years, his were the only numbers my brain could string together from memory. In the case of an emergency (or sheer joy), I dialed his 10 digits. To this day, his is the only number I know by heart.
A few weeks ago, that fact smacked me in the face.
I had to write down my emergency contact on a doctor’s form. For five years, that had been Rasheed. In an instant, it changed to my parents. I’m beyond grateful I have such amazing, supportive parents who are still around to love me and help me right now, but I’d be lying if I said that new reality didn’t hurt.
It hit me again just before boarding the plane home from India.
All the feels.
One picture. A thousand emotions.
My brain won’t let me rest.
It’s different than the restlessness at home. A mixture of jet lag and hovering near the edge of overstimluation, I decided to open my mind while overlooking this breathtaking view of the the world’s largest mausoleum. Even at 3 am, the Taj Mahal is beautiful. The breeze caresses my frame, and I swear it’s you. As I stare into the outline of a monument built from love, it’s only fitting.
The plush bedding, rich foods and amazing views ensured we fell asleep at the crack of evening. This hotel is gorgeous; the service is beyond words. Somehow I know you have something to do with it. I should still be asleep, but the love… The thoughts and the feelings of the past four days in this country won’t let me.
I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna got to a place where time has no consequence oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers
-Lyrics from India Aire’s Beautiful
Two days ago I hopped on a plane with one carry-on full of wrinkled clothes, snacks and hope.
I’m an expert over-packer so the very fact I was able to fit a week’s worth of stuff into one roller bag is a miracle. But I must face the facts. I’m now the only one who will carry my bags. I’m now the one who will hoist them into the bins above. My “Big Arms” are getting the rest they deserve.
