Samosas, Soy Milk & Sadness: Going Home

Today, we have the luxury of programming frequently called numbers into our cell phones. I suppose I’m dating myself, but I remember dialing my grandmother & grandfather’s number by heart.

A few years into our relationship, Rasheed and I realized we didn’t really know each other’s numbers or anyone else’s for that matter. Since we were dating long distance and often drove hours to see one another, we knew it could be important that we at least memorize one number to call in case the unimaginable occurred so we memorized the other’s number. For years, his were the only numbers my brain could string together from memory. In the case of an emergency (or sheer joy), I dialed his 10 digits. To this day, his is the only number I know by heart.

A few weeks ago, that fact smacked me in the face.

I had to write down my emergency contact on a doctor’s form. For five years, that had been Rasheed. In an instant, it changed to my parents. I’m beyond grateful I have such amazing, supportive parents who are still around to love me and help me right now, but I’d be lying if I said that new reality didn’t hurt.

It hit me again just before boarding the plane home from India.

 

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Samosas from the Lodhi Hotel in Delhi

Jamie and I were holding our passports, preparing to hand them to the airline official when I randomly flipped to one of the first pages. There, in plain, blue ink, my new reality stabbed my raw emotions. Uncle Sam had asked for one person he could reach in case the unthinkable happened to me. Rasheed’s name had been scribbled within those blanks just days before our honeymoon—when I had to renew my passport.

For a few seconds, I froze. A lighthearted moment shared between friends turned into a waterworks display in the middle of our line to board the plane. While I do believe he’ll still be there in my last moments, unfortunately, anyone calling his phone number before then won’t receive any help from the other end of the phone.

It’s so difficult to believe my partner is no longer by my side – at least not in an earthly form. I felt so safe and comfortable in his arms. He filled my heart with love. He encouraged my dreams. He made me feel beautiful on the days I felt the opposite. He helped me believe in myself in the moments I wanted to do anything but. He made me a better person simply by just being himself. I know he knows all of those things so I don’t have that regret in my heart. I just wish I had more time to list him as my emergency contact because I sure could use one of his hugs right now.

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2 thoughts on “Samosas, Soy Milk & Sadness: Going Home

  1. Anonymous says:

    So beautiful and touching Kim. As I said,” at NCSSM memorial cry all you can do not hold it in”. I found myself laid in the floor at Durham Performance Art Center when I received the news of losing my love one a mentor and a father to his loving daughter ” Victoria”. I still cry when she has a birthday , Christmas or a Daddy daughter dance and her father Alfredo Jobel is not there to share that moment. I still get a lump in my throat and a pain in my stomach as if someone put a knife in me. I still on some days think its a dream or a joke that he is gone. I still when I see a car that look like his glance and then remember he is not the driver. Its been 2 years but sometime it feel like yesterday. So, I know the feeling even though he was not my husband but a person who I saw as a son the caring father who love his daughter more than himself. I still wonder how can the person who took him away sleep at night. I still wonder do these people know the pain we are left with each day. There will be time you may ask God why, why him or why me and we could answer that question with why not us. I know God has to put us in pain sometime to make sure we will still trust him. But, its hard to accept this test of truth and faith in God. It would have been easier if he could have tested my love for him another way. I sometimes forget I cannot pick up the phone and call Fredo to take me somewhere or to do and household repair and it makes me so angry sometime. So, I am on this journey with you.. I only meet you briefly although Rasheed told me so much about you. I am so glad you love him as much as he love you.

  2. Kimberly Holmes Wiggins says:

    I thank you deeply and sincerely for all of the love and support. Wow. It’s sometimes nice to hear I’m not crazy. And although I am so sorry to hear you still understand my pain years later, I can easily see how. I don’t understand. I doubt I ever will, but I’m grateful I have caring souls like you to guide me along this difficult road. Please know that as much as you stand with me; I also stand with you. XO

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