It took a while.
And things aren’t perfect.
But the color is starting to return to my life.
The sadness still lives there in my heart, my world, but as I’ve been told, grief doesn’t ever disappear. You don’t get “over it”; you simply get through it – one day at a time. You learn to live with it.
But the good thing is I can start to feel good things again.
I’ve begun to smile and actually mean it. I’ve had a few nights I’ve actually been able to sleep for at least five hours straight! Not often, but they happen. I’ve started to actually think about my future and begin to want one again. I’ve begun to focus on providing a good life for myself and how to do so in this new, odd space that I’ve been placed in. Opinions rarely matter to me right now. It’s so hard to find an ounce of peace and happiness that I rely on my own gauge to set the tone for my sometimes seemingly and admittingly crazy decisions.
You know, I never realized how much energy it took to live. Perhaps that’s because it didn’t before – before everything changed.
I’ve changed so much these last 19 months. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?”
My brain often dips out of itself. I click out of life unexpectedly. A thought, a smell, a word can easily change the direction of my thoughts. It’s happened while driving, while standing in line, while having a conversation with a friend or colleague, and it’s often happened while reading the teleprompter at work (perfect timing might I add).
Sometimes it’s the sad thoughts and memories that get me, sometimes it’s the angry ones. Sometimes the happy ones make my heart laugh and leap. Often, I just go blank for seemingly no reason.
Staying present in any given moment takes so much energy these days. Who knew this would be my life. But I’m doing it. It’s not easy, but I’m doing it.
This #WidowLife isn’t for the faint of heart. I read that on a wister’s post last night. Couldn’t agree more.
But it’s not all negative. I push even harder now to explore the world around me and challenge myself to grow and laugh — literally out loud.
I celebrate the wins much louder now because I know how deeply the losses can cut.
And I’m all about trying new things because as Rasheed would always say, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Well, it’s already happened to me so anything else is just a life lesson.
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” Amy Bloom