Lean On Me

I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him.

Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then & made me feel beautiful when I felt anything but it inside. After he passed I gained more weight & then lost it – repeating that cycle for a while.

Medical appointments woke up my mind. I began to eat better & slowly returned to working out. However, even that was difficult because those two things greatly reminded me of my husband. I honestly don’t know how I’ve lost 50 pounds over the last two years. I still have days of eating my feelings, but I’m learning life is truly about balance.

 

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Learning to live without my love is beyond difficult. Real talk? One of my current survivor regrets is the fact my husband isn’t here with me & this new body. I know I’ll see him again, but if he’s all young & big arm’d & I’m 3 bodies later & wrinkly & squishy, that won’t be awesome. (Just sayin’, Big Guy) But I hold onto God’s grace through it all. A few months after returning to work, a viewer emailed me saying she enjoyed watching me, but saw the sadness in my eyes & was compelled to find out why. Nearly two years later she recently wrote me again saying she saw the light starting to return & to keep doing whatever I was doing. The days are still hard, but what I’m doing is learning to love myself in the same way my husband once did; I’m learning how to lean on God & allow His love & grace to shine through, overriding the struggles we all face on a daily basis. Keep going, my loves. He’s not done with us yet. 💙

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