Category: Day to Day

Beauty for a Decade’s Ashes

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to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:3

I thought I understood that bible verse. Beauty for ashes. It meant getting accepted into my top school after spending the previous year being rejected from all others. It meant getting a paid reporter job after years of unpaid internships. It meant a beautiful engagement ring on the day of my 30th birthday. It meant a job with a paycheck that allowed me to pay for my own vacation. It meant the strength to walk away from the career I had built after the weight on my heart grew too heavy & having a man by my side to encourage the crazy move.

And then it happened. It.

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Love After Loss

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Who knew a broken heart could feel this full again?

It happened. I tried so hard to guard my heart & keep it out of my life, but love found its way back.

How did love seep into the one place I guarded with the strength of 10,000 warriors? I vowed to never love another after Rasheed died, but it happened. God worked hard on me. When I least expected it, love slithered into the crevice of one of the millions of cuts of my shattered heart. I didn’t want it. I swore it wasn’t possible.

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RAW Truth Check-in – 38 mos.

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Wow. It’s been a truly transformative few months. I’ve felt a real shift in my emotions and my grief journey. I haven’t shared my #rawtruth in a while with you guys. Today is #InternationalWidowsDay, so I thought it was only fitting.

Decided to share a vlog this time. Listen with gentle ears. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit changes out loud.

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Love Lives

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…because it happened & it was one of the best days of my life.

Eight years ago, Rasheed officially took my hand, and before God, our families & friends, he asked to hold my heart. We had countless good days, some meh ones & one devastating one, but he loved me through them all & did his best to calm my crazy & keep a smile on my face. {Trust. I know it was hard work}

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Three Years.

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{Never Not}

“A heart that is broke is a heart that’s been loved.” -Ed Sheehan.

April 16, 2016.

Three years ago today my world ended. It was the one time you left without hugging me, and the wink you gave me before you closed the door that night would be our last.

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Emotions Running RAW

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March is a month full of birthdays for me. My mom, grandma, brother, father-in-law, cousins, close friends, and my husband, Rasheed, are all born during this month. The only problem is Rasheed is no longer with us physically, but how do you tell that to your heart?

This year marks Rasheed’s third up above, and our third without him. These big days don’t seem to get any easier without him, but I am learning how to navigate this winding road through Grieftown.

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Lean On Me

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I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him.

Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then & made me feel beautiful when I felt anything but it inside. After he passed I gained more weight & then lost it – repeating that cycle for a while.

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Two Years.

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No matter how much my head tries to prepare for the day, my heart knows what it means and feels the full weight.

April 16, 2016.

Two years ago everything changed. Two years ago today three cars took me from a wife to a widow. Two years ago today I left the movies with my husband and ended that typical Saturday with the need to bury that beautiful man a week later.

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Happy 41st Heavenly Birthday, Baby

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Balloons, cake, laughter and love. They are elements typically required to celebrate a birthday. Last year I incorporated all of those into my husband’s 40th heavenly birthday party.

Yup. I threw Rasheed a party nearly a year after he had passed away.

I mainly did it because that man never wanted me to make a big fuss over him, but a few days after his 39th birthday (and a few weeks before he was killed) he agreed to allow me to throw him a big 40th celebration where he could see all of his frat brothers, high school, college and business school classmates, and colleagues from throughout the years.

He never made it, but our friends and family did.

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