On June 19, 2020, I married a man I wholeheartedly believe my late husband prepared for me.
Gosh, that’s such a weird statement.
But it’s true.
Darian loves me exactly how my heart needs to be loved right now. He’s also so perfectly himself that he makes me laugh and smile by just being… him. My husband. My “chapter two.”
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{Originally posted on my IG page (@KimKeepsGoing) on what would have been my ninth wedding anniversary with Rasheed on 6/4/20.}
Never needed a reminder of love more than during this week. Nine years ago today I married an incredible man. Though Rasheed Wiggins is no longer walking this earth, the love still lives. During a week filled with so much pain, I’m simply remembering a day filled with so much love & the intense joy shared by our family & friends that still makes this young widow’s heart smile. ❤️
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to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
Isaiah 61:3
I thought I understood that bible verse. Beauty for ashes. It meant getting accepted into my top school after spending the previous year being rejected from all others. It meant getting a paid reporter job after years of unpaid internships. It meant a beautiful engagement ring on the day of my 30th birthday. It meant a job with a paycheck that allowed me to pay for my own vacation. It meant the strength to walk away from the career I had built after the weight on my heart grew too heavy & having a man by my side to encourage the crazy move.
And then it happened. It.
Who knew a broken heart could feel this full again?
It happened. I tried so hard to guard my heart & keep it out of my life, but love found its way back.
How did love seep into the one place I guarded with the strength of 10,000 warriors? I vowed to never love another after Rasheed died, but it happened. God worked hard on me. When I least expected it, love slithered into the crevice of one of the millions of cuts of my shattered heart. I didn’t want it. I swore it wasn’t possible.
Wow. It’s been a truly transformative few months. I’ve felt a real shift in my emotions and my grief journey. I haven’t shared my #rawtruth in a while with you guys. Today is #InternationalWidowsDay, so I thought it was only fitting.
Decided to share a vlog this time. Listen with gentle ears. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit changes out loud.
…because it happened & it was one of the best days of my life.
Eight years ago, Rasheed officially took my hand, and before God, our families & friends, he asked to hold my heart. We had countless good days, some meh ones & one devastating one, but he loved me through them all & did his best to calm my crazy & keep a smile on my face. {Trust. I know it was hard work}
{Never Not}
“A heart that is broke is a heart that’s been loved.” -Ed Sheehan.
April 16, 2016.
Three years ago today my world ended. It was the one time you left without hugging me, and the wink you gave me before you closed the door that night would be our last.
March is a month full of birthdays for me. My mom, grandma, brother, father-in-law, cousins, close friends, and my husband, Rasheed, are all born during this month. The only problem is Rasheed is no longer with us physically, but how do you tell that to your heart?
This year marks Rasheed’s third up above, and our third without him. These big days don’t seem to get any easier without him, but I am learning how to navigate this winding road through Grieftown.
I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him.
Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then & made me feel beautiful when I felt anything but it inside. After he passed I gained more weight & then lost it – repeating that cycle for a while.
“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
