Lean On Me

I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him.

Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then & made me feel beautiful when I felt anything but it inside. After he passed I gained more weight & then lost it – repeating that cycle for a while.

Medical appointments woke up my mind. I began to eat better & slowly returned to working out. However, even that was difficult because those two things greatly reminded me of my husband. I honestly don’t know how I’ve lost 50 pounds over the last two years. I still have days of eating my feelings, but I’m learning life is truly about balance.

Learning to live without my love is beyond difficult. Real talk? One of my current survivor regrets is the fact my husband isn’t here with me & this new body. I know I’ll see him again, but if he’s all young & big arm’d & I’m 3 bodies later & wrinkly & squishy, that won’t be awesome. (Just sayin’, Big Guy) But I hold onto God’s grace through it all. A few months after returning to work, a viewer emailed me saying she enjoyed watching me, but saw the sadness in my eyes & was compelled to find out why. Nearly two years later she recently wrote me again saying she saw the light starting to return & to keep doing whatever I was doing. The days are still hard, but what I’m doing is learning to love myself in the same way my husband once did; I’m learning how to lean on God & allow His love & grace to shine through, overriding the struggles we all face on a daily basis. Keep going, my loves. He’s not done with us yet. 💙

Two Years.

No matter how much my head tries to prepare for the day, my heart knows what it means and feels the full weight.

April 16, 2016.

Two years ago everything changed. Two years ago today three cars took me from a wife to a widow. Two years ago today I left the movies with my husband and ended that typical Saturday with the need to bury that beautiful man a week later.

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Happy 41st Heavenly Birthday, Baby

Balloons, cake, laughter and love. They are elements typically required to celebrate a birthday. Last year I incorporated all of those into my husband’s 40th heavenly birthday party.

Yup. I threw Rasheed a party nearly a year after he had passed away.

I mainly did it because that man never wanted me to make a big fuss over him, but a few days after his 39th birthday (and a few weeks before he was killed) he agreed to allow me to throw him a big 40th celebration where he could see all of his frat brothers, high school, college and business school classmates, and colleagues from throughout the years.

He never made it, but our friends and family did.

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In Returning and Rest

Sometimes you need to take some time to simply breathe.

It’s easy to feel the heartache, the difficult job, the sickness, the disappointment we’re feeling from whatever ails you in life is your sentence. Don’t.

Trials will come, but they won’t last – at least not with the same weight.

Those difficult times are merely seasons, and like all seasons they won’t go on forever. Rest and the simple act of unplugging for a bit will help you make it to the other side.

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