Lean On Me

I honestly believe God gives us more than we can handle so we must lean on Him.

Two Christmases ago I was a young widow struggling to find her way. I had just moved back to my parents’ home & my sister wanted us to take family pictures. I look at the photos of me in the gray & see the struggle in my eyes & heartache on my hips. In Rasheed’s last two years on this planet I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I was frustrated with my weight, but that man loved me even more then & made me feel beautiful when I felt anything but it inside. After he passed I gained more weight & then lost it – repeating that cycle for a while.

Medical appointments woke up my mind. I began to eat better & slowly returned to working out. However, even that was difficult because those two things greatly reminded me of my husband. I honestly don’t know how I’ve lost 50 pounds over the last two years. I still have days of eating my feelings, but I’m learning life is truly about balance.

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Learning to live without my love is beyond difficult. Real talk? One of my current survivor regrets is the fact my husband isn’t here with me & this new body. I know I’ll see him again, but if he’s all young & big arm’d & I’m 3 bodies later & wrinkly & squishy, that won’t be awesome. (Just sayin’, Big Guy) But I hold onto God’s grace through it all. A few months after returning to work, a viewer emailed me saying she enjoyed watching me, but saw the sadness in my eyes & was compelled to find out why. Nearly two years later she recently wrote me again saying she saw the light starting to return & to keep doing whatever I was doing. The days are still hard, but what I’m doing is learning to love myself in the same way my husband once did; I’m learning how to lean on God & allow His love & grace to shine through, overriding the struggles we all face on a daily basis. Keep going, my loves. He’s not done with us yet. 💙

Finding the New Me in an Old Body

‘tis the season to reflect, right? I mean, this time of year, you can’t help but look back on what you accomplished, what you didn’t, and what you’d like to do in the new year. A recent conversation with my bff made me realize how much I’ve physically changed this year.

A few weeks ago I had posted something random on social media. She asked if I was eating. I thought she meant at that moment because she was about to tell me something gross. She meant in general. To be honest, I’m no skin and bones and I’m happy with that fact. I’m a grown-up who has curves and I’m proud of them. However, after my text exchange, I hopped on the scale and was surprised by the number staring back at me.

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